Having just posted my last entry, I noticed that this post was still flagged as draft. I could have sworn I posted it :-/ Still… Here it is…
Went to see my Brother on Wednesday night. He invited “me” to come, but I knew his daughter would be there, she is 6, so I decided that “I” should come with me in a bag for the time being. Sadly, “I” stayed in the bag all evening. Darling daughter wouldn’t settle, and by the time she did it was almost time to leave. This, however, is mostly irrelevant. I was there to see him, and check he was ok as he’s going through a bad patch with his partner.
It was a pleasant enough evening and, ultimately, conversation came round to my future. He asked lots of questions, and gave me a lot of opinions. At the time, I was tired, I just let it all sink in. However, I’m now realising that he doesn’t really understand.
Let me start with the statement that shocked me the most. I was a little speechless when he said it, but I thought, “No, let it pass this time, I will make him understand GENTLY when my brain is a little more alive” and merely suggested an alternative. He said, “When you come out on Facebook, why not set your profile picture to David Walliams [presumably as Emily Howard] because everybody is going to take the piss, so why not beat them to it?”
At the time I countered with “Or, maybe, Roberta Close, who is stunning”, but I am more than a little stunned by the fact that he even suggested it. And more than a little hurt. I know that he is struggling to come to terms with it, and I respect that. I need to talk to him a lot more before my birthday, though, and I need to get him to realise, as I have, that the majority of the world is a lot more tolerant than he thinks (although not as tolerant as, maybe, it could be). The impression I get is that he envisions the whole world pointing and laughing when I come out. Standing in the streets mocking me. Well, yes, there will be a degree of that, but “beating them at their own game” with pictures of Bad Transvestites? *sigh*
My whole situation is extremely surreal, as I imagine it is for a lot of Transfolk. Knowing that there is a huge imbalance between body and mind, and coming to terms with that in oneself while the world looks on unaware. By the time I felt fully able to accept who I was and deal with it, remove the imbalance by matching one to the other, it had become a perfectly “normal” part of my life. Everyone else, those who have been oblivious, are now confronted with someone who is totally at ease with themselves in a different gender role. It’s not the easiest thing in the world.
The time of transition is fast approaching. I have just over 60 days until my birthday. I think I’m going to be spending a lot of it communicating with him and reassuring him. To be honest, though, I’m not sure that 60 days is long enough.
Next time, the “I” am coming out of the bag. We’ll see how he copes with meeting “me”.